well...
there was no need to be jealous. he stood me up.
and that wasn't even the worst thing that happened tonight.
im going to go to steph's for a bit. i need you so much right now, but i will be online when you get to work.
i love you.
this picture makes me sad because i dont think i look very nice coz i have a double chin, but steph is smiling and i am smiling and i think it is obvious we were both having a good time. this is from her graduation last night, and i am sorry i am fat :(
rundgren. a long entry...
as you know, i live my life in song. i walk through each day with a specific soundtrack, something that encompasses what i'm feeling. like, when you were here in september, the soundtrack for that is a combination of "i get around" and "how deep is your love." but when we hooked up on new years, i was listening a lot to "can we still be friends" by todd rundgren, because i was sad--not just because i felt bad about andy, but because i felt like i had fooled myself for a second into thinking you liked me, and i felt like a big asshole about it:
We can't play this game anymore but Can we still be friends? Things just can't go on like before but Can we still be friends?We had something to learn Now it's time for the wheel to turn Grains of sand, one by one Before you know it, all gone Let's admit we made a mistake but Can we still be friends? Heartbreak's never easy to take but Can we still be friends? It's a strange, sad affair Sometimes seems like we just don't care Don't waste time feeling hurt We've been through hell togetherCan we still be friends? Can we still get together sometimes? Can we still be friends? You know that life will still go on We awoke from our dream Things are not always what they seem Memories linger on It's like a sweet, sad, old song Can we still be friends? Can we still get together sometimes? Can we still be friends? You know that life will still go on Can we still be friends? Can we still get together sometimes? Can we still be friends? You know that life will still go on(while searching for lyrics for this song i found out that apparently mandy moore did a cover of this song, which disgusts me, but im also morbidly interested in hearing it...)
Anyway. But I find the two Rundgren songs I've been listening to for the last few days have been "I Don't Want to Tie You Down" and "Be Nice to Me." And now more than ever, they mean a lot to me...
Sometimes it's hard to look up underThe times we're going throughI scratch my head and stare and wonderHow to face the day anewBut it gives my life a bit more meaningTo feel in love with youSo heavyI don't want to weigh you downOh babyI don't want to tie you downI don't want a thing to mar this everThe picture that we makeThe balance of our minds togetherThe perfect give and takeFor me to let my love possess youWould be the worst mistake I'm sorryI don't want to bring you downOh babyI don't want to tie you downOh JesusI don't want to nail you downOh babyI don't want to tie you down..............................................................................No catch, no stringsNone of the usual thingsI'm happy just to lay and lookLet's throw out the bookNow we're off the hookAnd please just be nice to meWon't you be nice to meSo tired, so sadSo sick of being hadBy everyone who comes alongWould it be so wrongIf you played alongAnd please just be nice to meAnd would it bring you down if I hang aroundJust be nice to meIt's been a long, long time since I felt so fineAnd I know your love is fineI know what's on your mind butDon't laugh, don't cryDon't make me wonder whyYou're doing what you're doing nowCan't you see somehowIt's the wrong time nowSo please just be nice to meYou know I ain't in heatAnd it would feel real neatIf you would just be nice to meCome on think of me
and i love you.
come live with me angel
11. my boyfriend sings to me, when i ask him, and its so sweet and wonderful. i could listen to him sing forever. even just his speaking voice is melodic and i love listening to him talk.
12. my boyfriend has the prettiest blue eyes i have ever seen. when he used to wear his contacts to work, he would wake me up in the morning to kiss me goodbye and every morning i'd fall in love all over again when i woke up and looked into his eyes. when we're making love, i love being able to look into his eyes while we do it, because it feels so intimate, for us to watch each other like that.
13. my boyfriend was pretty much the cutest kid ever. and he grew up to be the cutest boyfriend in the world.
14. my boyfriend is absolutely brilliant, both at his job and general. i've never felt like he has ever had a hard time grasping any concept presented to him, even when i was still writing essays with weird ideas that probably shouldn't make any sense to anyone but me.
15. now this... this is an important one. my boyfriend is loving and understanding. tonight, i told him something that has been killing me for months, eating my self-esteem, making me feel unlovable, stupid, and worthless, and i wanted to... i wanted to make everything equal, to put us at a level where we know everything important about each other, everything that will impact us, and i was scared that if i never said anything it would just continue to eat at me. indeed, its been such a problem that for months ive considered just running away from it all, so i could stop feeling like ive ruined everyone's lives. but when i told him, he still... he still loved me, and he didn't need to. if he had told me he didnt i would be heart broken but i would understand, but he... he listened to me, and he even comforted me, and i am so, so, so grateful that i have blessed with someone i love so much...
this obviously isn't my first relationship, but this is the first where i've felt like i could be myself, where i don't have to defend myself all the time, where i can be happy and concentrate on making him happy, and i just--i can't stop grinning and i have tears in my eyes as i write this--where im so grateful for having him in my life and having him to life that i know right now that i absolutely want to spend my life showing him how happy he's made me and trying to make his life wonderful and i just want you to know that since you looked into my eyes and told me that you loved me, really loved me, that it has been you, dave, all you, and there has been no one else even for a second and i want to live with you and i want to be by your side and i will never hurt you or leave you and thank you for understanding why i did what i did. i only wanted to make your life easy and i know i went about it the wrong way but i didnt see a way out of it, but i made it stop and youre the only man i want, for now, for next christmas, forever.
thank you. please let me spend my life showing you how grateful i am.
i love you. 290 hours....
(unless opodo says otherwise, lol.)
5 more reasons my boyfriend is freaking sweet
6. my boyfriend is always open to my crazy ideas, no matter what they are, from microwaving soap to having sex in my mom's garden.
7. my boyfriend is so, so, incredibly kind-hearted, and would do anything for his friends.
8. my boyfriend is very meticulous in the shower or bath, particularly with anyone who is joining him...
9. my boyfriend has a wonderful eye for beauty--he appreciates beautiful things, and being surrounded by beauty makes him happy. he also has a wonderful talent for visual art that reflects his very well.
10. my boyfriend is willing to be totally silly with me when we're alone together, which makes me feel like the most special girl in the world because i get to see a side of him many people might not get to see.
and plus, he introduced me to lucasarts adventure games! how can you not love that? 330 hours or so...
and now, the very first installment of 5 REASONS MY BOYFRIEND IS FREAKING SWEET
(the first installment of many)
1. his taste in music. i mean seriously. even after the last three-four months songs still pop up on el jukebox that surprise me, in a good way. and its not just that his taste in music is wicked, its also that he is totally open to listening to new music, which is even better.
2. two words: roast. lamb.
3. when he dresses up, he looks so incredibly hot. but he is even hotter when he's not even trying to look good. ive never seen someone look so completely desirable wearing a long sleeved shirt and a pair of jeans before. even when hes not wearing anything, he looks wonderful.
4. he is totally willing to pet my hair if i ask him. he even seems to like it.
5. his willingness to support the decisions i make and any endeavours i undertake. its nice to not just have a boyfriend, but an actual partner who is willing to make decisions with me.
(and an extra: the "you pick three, i pick one" system. i love that.)
360 hours. i love you.
w
my melancholy baby
we lay in a heap
in your tent,
hastily undressed,
the sun on the canvas
beating through to us
sweaty and ecstatic
as we hold each other close,
whispering happiness
as the august day wears on.
somewhere over the hill
there is music,
a song i recognise here,
a bass line that sounds familiar there.
we dress, quickly,
as they wait impatiently outside,
us grinning at each other
like two kids
who have discovered their christmas presents early.
holding hands,
we tramp down the hill;
i push my hair out of my eyes
clear my throat
and keep smiling as we cross the bridge
and then, almost out of earshot,
it starts
and you snap your head towards me
your eyes beautiful
in their sheer delight
crinkled at the corners
like my own,
and i could never say no to those eyes
you pull me behind you,
me your lady,
you my man
and in a second
our friends have disappeared,
the other festival-goers have disappeared,
everything has disappeared
except for you and i,
holding onto one another
in our first slow dance
you sing a sad song happily
as we fade into the warmth
of the setting sun.
stars shining bright above you,
night breezes seem to whisper i love you,
birds singing in the sycamore tree
dream a little dream of me
say nighty-night and kiss me
just hold me tight and tell me you miss me
while i'm alone and blue as can be
dream a little dream of me
stars fading but i linger on dear
still craving your kiss
now i'm longing to linger till dawn dear
just saying this
sweet dreams 'til sunbeams find you
sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
but in your dreams whatever they be
dream a little dream of me
michelle, my step-sister, is pregnant. everyone is overjoyed.
but i can't stop crying.
i want my dave
So. It's 2.35 AM and I am sitting in my bed in my room at my mom's. Andy is passed out next to me in a drunken haze, snoring loudly and occasionally farting on me, having fulfilled his desire to be a complete asshole whilst drunk to my dad and stephanie. and i miss you so much it hurts. i feel like i haven't talked to you in years and im going crazy, and i need you. every day with andy is fun but only cements the fact that i love you, that i've fallen for you, hard, and there's no one else i'd rather be with. my dad, steph, andy and i went out drinking, and if im honest i probably shouldnt have driven home though there werent any close encounters or anything. but i hate this, because i know you wont believe me because i know sleeping alone is horrible and im sorry you have to do that until i get home, but sleeping next to someone who isnt the man you love is worse, because theres no cuddling, no feeling of being safe, but the feelng that you are a million miles away from the person youd like to be with...
i should probably sleep now.
and will you please wring that cats fucking neck.
i love you more than anything and anyone else in this world, and it scares me, but its worth it.
w.
