when snake met lizard

dave is awesome, how awesome is dave

not really much to say today; things have been relatively quiet. my mom started school today, so when she got home we went out back-to-school shopping--you know, binders, notebook paper, pencils, and so on. She has a test tomorrow and it was wicked, after 17 years *I* finally got to say "No TV! You have to study!!!" I've been waiting for that moment for basically my whole life.

My life since I've come back, really, is comprised of books and TV. I don't really hang out with anyone, since I'm broke--I was supposed to go out with Heidi and Erin tonight but I don't have the money to fill up my car. TV is way better than I remember, and there's certain nights when I'm watching shows that take up the whole evening. Like on Tuesdays, there's NCIS at 8, My Name is Earl at 9, The Office at 9.30, Nip/Tuck at 10. And Thursdays there's Survivor at 8, CSI at 9, and Without a Trace at 10. Even on Sundays there's Curb Your Enthusiasm, Extras, then Family Guy and American Dad. It sounds sad but TV is really good now, and that's weird for me to say because I've never really been one for TV. The crap thing is that seasons are so long here. I mean a season in America is what, 24 episodes? And I got so used to series being between 6 and 12 episodes in the UK. I'm so chuffed that they're showing stuff like The Smoking Room, Teachers, and The Mighty Boosh on BBC America now though. I've been saying for how long that there is so much really good programming coming out of the UK these days and you wouldn't know it by watching BBC America. I mean yeah, they still show a lot of bollocks like Changing Rooms and What Not to Wear (and weird stuff like Monty Python, Benny Hill, and The Prisoner) but it's nice that they're showing somewhat quality stuff rather than, like, Two Pints of Lager. Although BBC America, unfortunately, has been showing rather a lot of Footballers' Wives lately....

I watched this documentary-type thing on a channel here last night called "Dawn French on Big Women" (which my father so sweetly taped for me--low self-esteem, Aisle 4) which was, predictably, about why everyone hates fat girls. And they do--even when the people they interviewed were trying to be nice about it, their language still reveals this prejudice. Now I'm no martyr--there are plenty worse things to be besides chubby--but being fat, particularly in America, is fucked up. I mean, Dawn French thinks chubby British girls have it bad, and they bloody well don't. One thing Britain is really good for is clothes. I don't like shopping much, but I grew to be better with it because every store I go into makes clothes that fit me, and that's totally awesome. I used to hate shopping when I was younger because my choice was limited to what, Lane Bryant, and those precious few stores which carried a plus-size section--which usually meant clothes that were more like tents (because god forbid a fat girl show some curves). But it's nice to be able to walk into even a Primark and be able to walk out with something I can wear and *gasp* look cute in. So big ol' thumbs up to the UK for that. But even then, I'm lucky because I'm at the "lower" end of chubby--that is, a size 14/16. If you're 20+, you can fucking forget it, and that goes for both countries. Sizes in the US usually stop, at the highest, at 12, and in the UK they stop at 18/20. So if I were to put on, say, 20 pounds, I'd be fucked. Back to muumuus.

One thing that really fucked me off was when I went--I know, sensitive subject--shopping for my wedding dress. It was hard to find dresses because they tend to be made for thinner girls here in the US, and ones in my size, again, look like tents. So what they do at most smaller bridal boutiques, is they carry maybe two different sizes of dress, a smaller one and a bigger one, rather than carrying 10-20 copies of the same dress. Then you try it on, and the assistant will rearrange it to show you how it would look if it fit. You stand on a stool, so you don't trod on the dress, and everyone oohs and aahs. So I tried on one dress, and I didn't particularly like it (it was sleeveless and for a long time, until probably the last six months anyway, I fucking hated my fat arms), but the assistant loved it and so did my mom. The assistant was holding it shut in the back (it being too small, obviously) and everyone was like "Oh, Wendy, how beautiful..." The assistant grinned at me and said "You look amazing in that. If you just lose, say, 15-20 pounds, it would look absolutely perfect." I just smiled and said "Well, I don't know that that's necessary--my fiance fell in love with me when I was fat, so it makes sense for him to marry me when I'm fat." It's that sort of casual inference--the oh, just lose a bit of weight and you'd be so much prettier--that gets me. For one it's not that easy. For better or for worse this is the shape I've been since I hit puberty. My mom's chunky, my dad's chunky, thus Wendy = chunky. But two, why can't I be pretty and chubby at the same time? That's what always got me--the idea that it didn't matter what your personality was, how smart you are, how cute you are--the only thing anyone sees when they look at me is "fat girl". And thus you are totally unshaggable.

But what Dawn French and other people were saying, is that the craze for incredibly skinny girls is unhealthy, not just in a media-propagation kind of way, but in a survival-of-the-species kind of way. Bigger women, naturally, are a symbol of fertility--we have wide hips (good for giving birth), bigger breasts (for nursing said children) and so on. Whereas thin women, particularly dangerously thin women, are less like objects of fertility, so for men to turn their back on bigger women is to turn their back on the whole idea of survival of the fittest. I'm not saying thin women aren't attractive, obviously there are a ton of beautiful thin women, but what I'm saying is why can't fat girls be attractive too? There shouldn't be this dichotomy--and a lot of fat girls get into this--of us versus them, the fat cunt vs the skinny bitch. There should be a spectrum, and I don't think that will ever happen in my lifetime, not as long as Kirstie Alley is always the punchline on talk shows when they make a joke about being fat. James Gandolfini is fat, but he's Tony Soprano, so that's ok. And it's rubbish. Rubbish I say!

I have totally rambled and I didn't mean to. I rather intended to talk about this in my paper journal, but I guess I wrote it so here it is. And I suppose it's not really related to how much I love you, not directly, but the point I am getting at, on a personal level, is--you make me feel beautiful. When I'm with you I don't really feel the need to change. Yeah, I'm self-conscious, particularly about gaining weight; I mean, I know you love me as I am, but I worry about testing the limits, so to speak--but when we're undressed together, holding onto each other as we fall asleep, I don't really think so much about "oh god I hope he doesn't notice my fat arms" but rather "oh god I hope he'll fall asleep in my fat arms for a long, long time to come."

so yeah, i'm chubby. everyone else can fuck off. they don't know what they're missing!


approx 196 hours, and i love you more with every one.

posted by who's that girl @ 9/30/2005 04:52:00 am